Scene 34: Investigating the Medicine

Scene 34: Inquiring about Medicine

(Enter Chen Zuiliang.) "After many years of studying the Confucian classics, I have only a rough grasp of their principles. Now my bookcase has turned into a medicine chest. My household servants call me 'Old Master,' but the neighbors call me 'Old Quack.'" I, Chen Zuiliang, have lost my teaching post and have instead opened a pharmacy. Let me see who comes today.

To the Tune of "Nü Guan Zi"

(Enter the Nun.) "In the mortal world or in heaven, principles are hard to explain. Dreams are false and absurd, and there are those who long for the underworld. Master Chen, may you prosper." (Chen) "You have come, Reverend Mother." (Nun) "What a fine shop! These two characters 'Confucian Physician' were bestowed by Prefect Du. And such 'genuine herbs'! What use are these two clods of earth?" (Chen) "This is earth taken from beneath a widow's bed. If a man is afflicted by demonic possession, mixing it with clear water and taking it will cure him." (Nun) "And this piece of cloth?" (Chen) "This is the crotch of a strong man's trousers. If a woman suffers from demonic possession, burning it to ashes and consuming it is effective." (Nun) "In that case, would the three feet of earth from beneath my own bed be a fair exchange for five inches of your trouser crotch?" (Chen) "I fear you are not quite a widow." (Nun) "Pah! And you are not quite a strong man." (Chen) "Enough of this. What brings you here?" (Nun) "To be honest with you, the other day that young Daoist nun..."

To the Tune of "Huang Ying Er"

"She was young and off her guard. After competing in the river-god festival, she hurried home at night." (Chen) "You succeeded, then?" (Nun) "Who knows what secluded spot she found? She fell prey to a baleful spirit. A year of calamity, a month of disaster—she closed her eyes and never returned." (Chen) "You were not cautious enough!" (Nun) "When I think carefully, your skill as a physician must rival that of the King of Hell himself." (Chen) "Is she alive or dead?" (Nun) "She has been dead for several days." (Chen) "Can a dead person take medicine? Very well, then. This 'Burnt Crotch Powder' should be mixed with hot wine and administered."

To the Tune of "Qian Qiang"

"There is a miraculous prescription from the immortals of the sea: the deep crotch of a virile man." (Nun) "I have such medicine myself, where I come from." (Chen) "I fear you cannot recall whose male vigor is the strongest. Cut it into inch-sized pieces, burn them to ashes, mix with wine, and pry open the corpse's teeth to let some in. This is no ordinary remedy—it calms the soul and settles the spirit, surpassing even the famed 'reversed semen' incense." (Nun) "Thank you."

(Chen) "She still goes with her companions to compete at the river-god festival," — Yu Hu

(Nun) "But alas, she is too amorous and prone to illness." — Han Wo

(Chen) "The cavern is deep and secluded, every door locked," — Han Yu

(Nun) "Among the flowers, she urgently calls for a female physician." — Wang Jian